Giving in to a pushy salesperson. Keeping quiet when you witness a workplace interaction that strikes you as unjust. Biting your tongue when a hairstylist declares that life is not worth living without micro-bangs. We’ve all been there. We’ve all caved in.

Thank goodness for Sunita Sah’s spirited book, Defy: The Power of No in a World that Demands Yes, which unpacks the act – and art – of refusal. The Yorkshire-raised physician, organizational psychologist and Cornell Business School professor’s manifesto is a rousing call to action – or inaction, as it may be. She has researched our inclinations to submit to others’ suggestions, expectations and orders, even when they entail putting our core beliefs and best interests on the back burner.

So many of us are conditioned to roll with the flow, no matter if every cell in our body is telling us that we shouldn’t. “We often think ‘defiance’ is just loud and angry, sometimes aggressive and negative, or superhuman and heroic,” Sah said. “But you don’t have to be brave, you don’t have to be extraordinary. It’s available and necessary for all of us, no matter what our personality is, because it’s actually just a skill.”

Sah’s treatise felt especially radical to me, a hopeless people pleaser. I decided to give the advice embedded in it a whirl for a week.

Saying no … stick with your beliefs

I get an email asking if I’d like to fly across the country to appear on a live podcast taping. It’s a generous invitation, issued by the co-host of one of my favorite shows. It’s the sort of thing that I have spent my entire professional life not only saying yes to, but dreaming of receiving.

But the event is on the same day as a family Hanukah party, and the recurring theme of Sah’s book runs through my mind: defying isn’t about being a difficult diva; it’s about questioning what fits in with our beliefs. Nice as a night in a Los Angeles hotel room sounds, do I want to bail on my mother-in-law and miss the only chance I’ll ever have to celebrate the holiday with my children when they are ages 10 and 13? I sigh and let the email thread peter out.

Saying no … to things we don’t want to do

I belong to two book clubs. One of them is basically a party. The other is devoted to unpacking long, virtuous books. Today’s email from the latter camp informs me that the next selection is a “somber” and “elegiac” novel set in a cemetery. I stare at the invite and freeze. Truth be told, I’d rather read the Loretta Lynn autobiography a friend just sent me for my birthday.

Sah told me that one of the key questions she poses in leadership seminars is: “What type of leader do we want to be?” I am certainly not a leader, but I don’t want to be a follower either, and life’s too short to read unappetizing books. “Learning how to defy is one way to decrease that gap between our intentions and behavior,” Sah told me. I email a key member of the book club and tell her that I will not be able to attend.

Saying no … to vague requests

I see a message in my inbox from somebody I worked with a lifetime ago. They are working on a project that I gather they want me to write about and ask if I’d like to “grab coffee”. Given our history, I feel compelled to agree to the suggestion. It’s hard to turn down coffee when there is no particular date and time. But on the other hand, I recall all the “coffee grabs” that essentially ate up my day.

In Defy, Sah writes about how we are “wired to comply”, and offers a “defiance compass” to help us decide whether we feel comfortable saying yes or no to an opportunity. “Am I being rebellious for the sake of being punk rock, or am I speaking up for what I care about?” she said. I thought of the other ways I would rather spend my afternoons. “Hey,” I wrote back. “Things are kind of busy but I’d be happy to hop on a call.”

Saying no … at work

In a meeting, I’m asked to do something that neither thrills me nor makes much sense. Sah encourages people to search inwardly and define their core values, and proceed accordingly.

I decide to put another of Sah’s nuggets of wisdom to use, and embrace “the power of a pause”. Instead of channeling my bushy-tailed best and committing to the idea, I merely say: “I’ll look into that.” The meeting moves forward. And the issue evaporates.

Saying no … to inconvenience

I’m having lunch with a group of fellow parents and our 10-year-old daughters. After our meal, we’re attending a matinee of Wicked. Our server is a lovely young woman who has a lot to say about her new immersion blender. But we’re on a tight schedule, and the plate of pasta that two of my co-diners have ordered has yet to arrive.

“Defiance isn’t a one-size-fits-all prescription. Sometimes we need to make calculations and decide if it makes sense to lie in wait,” Sah told me. So I think fast. If we wait for the overdue penne, we’ll be late. I excuse myself and walk into the kitchen to ask the server if she can wrap the dish in a takeout container. The head chef overhears me and looks peeved, but the gaggle of girls I am with will be devastated if we miss the opening of the movie.

And at the end of the film, when Cynthia Erivo’s Elphaba brings the house to tears with her song about defying gravity, I relate more than anybody in this cinema can possibly understand. I’m ready for a broomstick of my own.

Defy: The power of no in a world that demands yes by Sunita Sah is out via One World on 14 January