Whether we realise it or not, most of us have ghosted someone. It might have been a person we were dating (this is what most of us think of when we hear the word “ghosting”), or it may have been someone else in our life who was waiting, hoping to see us again, before eventually realising we’d slipped away in silence. We could have done it to someone we’d once called a friend.
As a concept, ghosting is generally frowned upon. It’s something done by people who aren’t emotionally intelligent or brave enough to end a relationship with dignity. When we’re single and dating, being ghosted at least once is a rite of passage, but it’s an ending usually soothed by the reminder that someone who would ghost you isn’t the type of person you’d want to end up with long term. In romantic relationships we hope for someone who works through difficulty rather than leaving us on “read”; someone who would rather have a hard conversation than never speak again.
But when it comes to friendships, it’s a little different. A 2018 qualitative study in the US looked into the differences between how people approach problems in their romantic relationships, compared to their friendships. The study found that while people expect their partners to respond to problems in an active manner – either in a positive way (by talking it out) or in a negative way (by getting into a huge fight about it) – they are much more likely to expect passive approach when it comes to friendship.
The research found that when an issue arises with friends, we’re likely to take one of two approaches: we either wait it out and hope things improve – without anyone actually bringing up the problem – or we withdraw from the relationship completely. Basically, we ghost.
The term “ghosting” may have been born from people’s dating experiences, but it’s just as common in our friendships. I know the feeling of texting a friend and not getting a reply, when they used to be someone who sent buttery sweet “that was so nice” messages after every catch-up. I understand that what can be most confronting about these situations is the long-lasting impact they can have on you, as your former friend’s name comes up in conversations, they appear in your dreams, and you see them on social media doing things that you once used to do together with other people. Every unexpected reminder of what once was feels like pressing on a bruise.
But for everyone who has been ghosted by a friend, there’s someone who has done the ghosting. While writing my book, Just Friends, I spoke to many people – including some of my own friends – about the people they’d chosen to drift away from. I heard stories about people who cut off friends when they started dealing drugs, about friends who didn’t step up enough after someone had a baby, and about a person who was so rude to a friend’s parents that it felt like there was no choice but to cut them off for ever.
For each of these people, the choice to ghost their friend not only felt like the easier one but also the kindest for the other person. This passive approach, as described in the previously mentioned research, genuinely felt like the right decision.
Friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson told me her views on ghosting friends – or what she refers to as “friendship drift” – have changed in recent years.
“Honestly, I used to say that if you’re trying to end a friendship you should always tell people,” she says. “But now I’ve seen that if a friendship fizzle is mutual, it can be healthy.”
Today, Jackson believes that if both people are making less effort to catch-up and hang out – if they’re both taking a passive approach – ghosting can be an easy way to mutually accept that a friendship doesn’t look the way it once did. The issue comes when only one person realises a friendship drift is happening.
It’s difficult to rewire our brains and approach friendship in a new way. So, as long as we’re programmed to take a passive approach to conflict, ghosting is always going to feel alluring. Drifting away from a friend can be the gentlest way to end a friendship, and even leave a door open to rekindling it in the future. But if the ghosting isn’t mutual, it may be time to approach the friendship as you would a relationship, and be honest about why you want it to end.
Just Friends by Gyan Yankovich is published on 31 January (Ultimo Press)
