All writers of erotica know that nothing is emptier than the empty page. So it’s good that the Monumental Women’s Writing Group, from the Wellington, Somerset branch of the Women’s Institute, have made a start with their story The Conquering Gibraltarian Adonis. But there are a couple of tiny things they need to iron out before it is ready for the online story repository Literotica, however, and I believe I can help.

In the opening scene, a wife is waiting for her husband. “Mariah knew that now was her most fertile time and she was desperate for a baby. Two years of trying had taken its toll on their love life.” [This is the opposite of erotica. This is like starting a cookery book with, “Maureen knew she had to eat, since three months trapped in a cave had left her dangerously malnourished. Painful chancres pitted her gums, but she thought she could manage some soup.” Hungry much, ladies?]

“Clive was due home and she had missed him desperately. She had expressly forbidden him from any form of masturbation whilst away.” [Just a practical rather than a practical-criticism note: there is not much evidence that banning your husband from masturbating while you’re not around has any affect on fertilisation.] “Being left alone for weeks was like torture to a woman wanting to conceive. It had left her feeling tense and anxious.” [Is “tense and anxious” really what you mean, Monumentals? Because it sounds like what you really mean is “cross”.]

Finally, the unmasturbating Clive arrives. “He looked amazing to behold with his mound of auburn curls and his newly grown designer stubble.” [Mound is a pube-word, not a head word, just FYI. ] ‘I can tell you missed me Mariah. Been quite a while … and I am a man in desperate, aching need.’ Mariah moved away to playfully taunt him. ‘You’re in need are you? What … in need of a nice cuppa?!’”

[Mariah sounds like the cheerful driver of a tram from the 1930s. It’s partly the over-punctuation but mainly the “cuppa”.]

“‘What … you didn’t wank at all whilst you were away???!!!’ exclaimed Mariah.” [OK, on the matter of this punctuation, it makes it sound like a Facebook post. Like you’re having sex and posting about it on Facebook simultaneously. Is this really what Clive would want, you have to ask. Plus, things that have no place in sexually charged badinage, in ascending order: boiling water; Spanish inquisition over when you last had a wank; the word “whilst”].

“She was trying to play hard to get. That was becoming difficult as she really wanted it right now on top of the kitchen counter. ‘No. I bloody didn’t, woman!’ he grumbled, ‘… now drop your drawers!’ Clive was masterful in his demand.” [I am surprised that “grumbling” has been reframed as a trait of masterfulness, but I guess when you’ve been married a long time…]

“He looked into her eyes and knew he loved her. She was often a confusing, nagging and extremely annoying woman but her extreme prettiness, amazing tits and nice tight pussy certainly made up for these shortcomings. She was also his Mariah and he loved her dearly.” [If this is a joke, it’s quite funny but it punctures the mood. You can say what you like about EL James, but she never interpolated feminist sarcasm into a sex scene. If it isn’t a joke, they are all as cracked as the Liberty Bell.]

“He thrust his magnificent manhood between her thighs and she gasped with delight! His rhythmic penetration felt more amazing than ever before. She wanted it so badly and he was so deliciously hard. She loved the way his balls banged against her as he deeply thrusted.” [What this mainly demonstrates is that writing a sex scene is extremely difficult and could perhaps use more fieldwork?]

“‘Do you think it’s worked this time?’ Mariah quizzed pleadingly. He had in his lust forgotten all about their efforts to conceive.” [Yes, so had we. This is because it was ridiculous. Go and write some other story about trying to conceive, with no sex in it and a load of injections.]