Sebastian Faulks wants a job. Tired of the solitary life that won him fame and fortune as a novelist, Faulks has used this week’s Spectator to seek a nine-to-five gig that’ll provide him with “colleagues, gossip, promotions, lunches and a PAYE packet in a grey-windowed envelope”.
But which industries would open their arms to a seasoned loner such as him? We’ve got some suggestions …
Party planner
Transferable skill: Writing A Week in December
This novel explored the nuances and etiquette of dinner-party seating plans in almost forensic detail. This makes him an ideal party planner, so long as his clients are happy to end each evening miserable and unfed.
Call-centre worker
Transferable skill: A keen sense for the futile
Birdsong perfectly conjured a feeling of inescapable helplessness, which makes Faulks the best possible candidate for spending 14 consecutive hours in a warehouse trying to convince a succession of deaf pensioners that they should upgrade their home broadband package.
ITV programmer
Transferable skill: Strong knowledge of James Bond
Faulks immersed himself in Bond to write 2008’s Devil May Care. ITV shows only old Bond films at weekends. He’s a perfect fit, although he might lose the job to JK Rowling at Christmas, when ITV transitions to showing only old Harry Potter films at weekends.
Punch and Judy man
Transferable skill: Storytelling
“Mr Punch! The crocodile wants your sausages!” Faulks could cry to crowds of kids, before adding: “Punch didn’t believe in a God in the traditional Judeo-Christian sense. And yet this crocodile had come to represent a force of undeniable cosmic interventionism that Punch, ravaged as he was by a lifetime of guilt, had no choice but to face with a sheen of grim acceptance …”
Good-time cockney musician
Transferable skill: Looking very slightly like one of Chas & Dave
Thanks to his beard and shaggy mop of hair, Sebastian Faulks is incredibly well placed to act as understudy for whichever member of Chas & Dave he most looks like. Stick him in a flat cap and you wouldn’t know the difference.
Journalist
Transferable skill: Having once been a journalist
Faulks was a journalist before he became a full-time novelist, so he could always fall back on that. The industry’s changed since he left, but if he’s happy to churn out endless “43 Incredible Cat GIFs That’ll Make You Fart With Glee” listicles for pennies, he’s more than welcome back.
