1 Teen rebellions involving clothes dyed black with Dylon, sausages rejected as "meat is murder" or hair backcombed into a landmass don't shock parents now. The most shocking act of rebellion a little caucasian agnostic girl from Penrith could pull is a flash conversion to Islam, before swishing down to Londis wearing full niqab. Inshallah, you are so grounded.
2 Scores of inner-city kids live their lives on what must feel like a giant Pac-Man grid, being chased by enemies whenever they leave home. As adults we underestimate how stressful this is. I began writing comedy for teens as there's no bigger demographic who need a laugh. A joke about how many Rimmel nail colours one can fit in a thong and still run from Superdrug security guards goes a long way.
3 The idea that teens today have a looser sense of morals is rubbish. For every 15-year-old smashing up the swings in the park, there's another sat piously at home writing complaints to the BBC about bad language and posting my novel back to the publishers, incensed over the word "fartface" on page 34.
4 Teens don't want adults speaking their language, but a basic working knowledge goes a million miles when writing for them. Many adults are pompous, lazy sorts who write teen fiction in which the kids speak like mini-Michael Goves and never MSN or BBM as this would involve the author researching it. Words you should know but never use include: Wa'gwan? Tonk. Choong. Brap. Brare. Slippin. Wack. Bruv. Blad. Emosh. Par. Wasteman. Allow it. Buff. Peng. Owned. Merked. Shottin'. Beef. Giving me jokes. Airing. Bedrin. Blates. Totes. Bless. Diss. Boi. Ufff. KMT. Bustin. Chirps. Va-jay-jay. Cotch. Fam. Crunk. Cuzz. Dark. Deep. Endz and, of course, the delightful Clunge. (Need a translation? See below.)
5 The cinema is still, after several decades, the No1 place teens claim to be when in fact they're at a house party drinking stolen Dubonnet, getting their décolletage chewed by a boy with gold teeth.
6 Teens today are definitely more vain, pouting night after night in front of their laptop photobooth as they shoot their new avatar: full makeup, head coyly tilted, cleavage jutted forwards or pecs displayed. The photo, which resembles 70s Farah Fawcett wrestling indigestion, will duly be posted on the internet with an open comment box for aquaintances to type cheery replies such as: "U IZ PROPER FUGGERZ, BLAD."
7 Even if you are "fuggerz", don't worry, you can just get work done. Teens today have never known a world when surgery isn't an option. Brow lift, rhinoplasty, chin shaving, breast implants: Heidi Montag, golden girl in MTV's The Hills, had all this done, aged 20, in one sitting. And yes, it made her resemble a malevolent lifeforce from Twilight, but it was what she wanted and therefore it's GIRL POWER!
8 Social networking and blogging have left one major casualty: that sense of longing for information about the mystery boy/girl from down the road. Girls today will never spend 13 long weeks yearning dreamily for details on Mr Perfect they once spotted in McDonald's, armed with no more clues than: "He likes strawberry milkshake."
9 Viva Forever: the most painful truth you can hit a teen with is that they'll have outgrown 95% of their best friends within five years and in a decade won't remember their surnames. I can't bring myself to write this in books. I can write about stabbing and rehab but the fact that friendships aren't for ever, and that the endless gooey notes they leave on each other's Bebo sites are actually hot air, is one shade too dark even for me.
10 Compared with the 80s, it's definitely easier to come out these days. In fact, it's so much smoother, I'm seeing my first wave of young people causing massive umbrage by going back in.
11 Don't be too negative if your teen spends hours "making beats" on a laptop. There's strong evidence now of kids starting off faffing about with FruityLoops, moving to Logic, uploading tracks on SoundCloud, live-streaming DJ sets on Ustream, chatting up industry bigwigs on Twitter and eventually signing a music publishing deal for megabucks. Saying that, they might just be on YouTube watching people shooting lit fireworks out of their arse. You take your chances.
12 It's almost impossible for underground teen scenes to exist without grown-ups being aware in weeks. To be underground would involve utter secrecy about your new sound, and ignoring media contact with a thousand amateur music and style bloggers. But coyness isn't in the average teen's nature. A tiny bit of cajoling and most artists will soon be posing on the front of Heat in a bath of baked beans.
13 Drugs: news just in. Kids still love them. Ketamine is still big, despite it sounding like hell to anyone over 30. Mephedrone has been banned, but as I type I'm certain a more skulduggerous Dutch version of Beaker from the Muppets is working on other unclassified research chemicals to replace it. Drugwise: "messiness" rather than loviness, speediness or stonedness seems to be the optimum state. "I was sooo messy, like totally waaasted, I lost my shoes and thought my mother was a giant horse then I pooed in next door's wheelie bin!" In comparison, the days of Graeme Park at The Hacienda are like an OAP pie-and-bingo night.
14 Fashion: I am in fear for the evolution of the planet. I stare at girls in fractal-patterned boat dresses, replica Luftwaffe hats and neon kneesocks, mumbling: "But you don't make the best of yourselves dears, do you?" We get older, kids look dafter to us – it was ever thus. One thing's for sure: they all find each other gorgeous and would like the scowling, lumpen thirtysomethings in Topshop to give them their shop back.
15 Loads of things about being a teen today are exactly the same. The shame of your mother displaying her wrinkled cleavage or your dad buying an outlandish holiday hat, hating sprouts, growing penicillin in mugs under your bed and massive spots. Writing novels that have encouraged kids who don't normally read to consume 11 books in a row makes me incredibly happy, especially the tweets I get daily that simply say: "@gracedent you iz well givin me jokes."
Glossary
Wa'gwan? What's happening? Tonk Muscular Choong Gorgeous Brap Celebratory noise mimicking gunfire Brare Friend Slippin Up to no good Wack Rubbish Blad Friend Par Get one up on someone Wasteman Layabout Allow it Ignore it, with class Peng Sexy Owned Made a fool of Merked Killed Beef Dispute Giving me jokes Making me laugh Airing Ignoring someone Bedrin Friends Bless Honour something Boi Young man KMT Kiss my teeth Bustin To do something Chirps Chat up Va-jay-jay Vagina Cotch Relax at home Fam Close friend Crunk Very drunk Dark Bad/but can mean good Deep Good/but can mean bad Endz Where you live Clunge Vagina
• Diary of a Snob: Money Can't Buy Me Love by Grace Dent is published by Hodder Children's Books on 2 September, priced £5.99. To order a copy for £4.49 with free UK p&p go to theguardian.com/bookshop or call 0330 333 6846
