Name: Dumbledore.
Age: According to JK Rowling, about 150.
Appearance: Just about the very worst name you could ever hope to pick for yourself.
Hold on, “pick for yourself”? Aren’t names traditionally a parental duty? Not if you’re Chinese and you want an English name, they’re not.
Pardon? It’s quite common for Chinese people to pick English names for themselves, especially if they are planning to do business with the west. And there’s nothing wrong with that, except that some of the names are, well, getting a little idiosyncratic.
How idiosyncratic are we talking? One local blog devotes itself to finding what it calls the “HKSAR Name of the Day”, and previous entries have included Quince, Buggle, Dodo and, regrettably, Isis.
But they’re isolated incidents, surely. That’s not enough to warrant you bringing it up now. Tell that to the satirical website, mocked up to look like the Chinese state broadcaster CCTV, which recently published a guide to naming yourself, in the hopes of quelling any more ridiculousness.
It did? Yes. And, to be fair, the advice is pertinent for all parents-to-be around the world.
Give me some examples. Well, the fake CCTV news site says that a “fancy but conservative” name such as Elizabeth or William will make people think that you are from a fancy but conservative background. Alternatively, if you want people to think that you are a stripper, name yourself after a sweet food such as Candy, Cherry or Sugar.
So far so good. They’ve even got a little section about the dangers of ironically using antiquated names such as Gertrude or Percival, which could have been specifically written for anyone currently pregnant in London.
Yes, yes, but what about Dumbledore? It’s a terrible idea, basically. The website states that naming yourself after a fictional character only works if “the name is common anyway. Choosing Harry from Harry Potter is OK … Dumbledore is a different story”.
Why? Because it’s hilarious to English speakers, obviously. It’s apparently just as bad as naming yourself Satan or Obama, or something sexual such as Creamy or Pussy.
Tell that to my kids, Einstein and Dildo. You’re a terrible person.
Do say: “In accordance with state wishes, I shall henceforth be known as William.”
Don’t say: “Welcome to Dumbledore, Satan & Beaver-Wang Drainage Solutions. How may I help?”
• This article was amended on 16 December 2014. An earlier version said the guide to naming yourself came from the official CCTV website. In fact it was posted by a satirical website.
