In 2007, Barbara and Harry Cooper went through a terrible year. Their daughter, Carol, died of cancer, then six months later their son, Jan, had an unexpected, fatal heart attack. On top of that, the couple's own health deteriorated. Barbara had a heart attack and lost weight. Harry had several falls, and his mobility was impaired. Both frequently forgot to take their medication. Harry was 95, Barbara was 90.
The couple initially refused to admit they needed help, unwilling to acknowledge that they were not as independent as they had been. Only after months of persistence from their granddaughters did they agree to move into an apartment at an assisted living complex in Los Angeles. By this time, they needed something positive and fun to do, so their granddaughters Kim and Chinta (Jan's children by different mothers) introduced them to the internet.
They set up a blog, the Original Grandparents, and started making videos of Barbara and Harry telling stories, singing songs and offering advice. The blog was intended just for family but slowly the number of visits increased as more and more people came to Barbara for advice.
Today, Barbara, who is now 94 and is known by the nickname Cutie, has a huge following, with nearly 6,000 Facebook fans asking for help on everything from how to end a relationship to how to handle teenage daughters.
Recently, there was a letter from a 48-year-old man whose girlfriend won't commit. It worries him that she stays in touch with all her exes. He doesn't know what to do. "The question I have is, should I stay or should I just move on?" He signs off under the pseudonym Perplexed.
The reply is no-nonsense – even bossy – as every good advice column should be. "Dear Perplexed," writes Barbara. "She better make up her mind about what she wants. If there are boyfriends in the past that she is considering, then drop her ... If she is thinking, 'maybe this', 'maybe that', that's not good enough. You deserve to be with someone who knows what they want."
Barbara has always loved giving advice. "If I ever tell her I've got a crush on someone, she'll always tell me to go straight up and tell them," says Chinta, 23. "She'll keep saying, 'Just talk to them!', I say 'I can't!' and it goes on and on. But I always consult her. She's usually very supportive."
Now, with Kim and Chinta's help, Barbara's advice has progressed from an online blog into a book, Fall in Love For Life, which was published this month. There have also been interviews on National Public Radio and in the Los Angeles Times. Everybody wants to learn from Barbara about how to maintain a happy, successful relationship. She should know – she was married to Harry for 73 years before he died in 2010.
"Barbara is a pretty sharp girl," he once said. "I've benefited from her advice since 1937 and, usually, she steers me right. Ask her – I don't do anything without Barbara's advice."
Like many of their generation, Barbara and Harry married young. They met in 1937, were engaged within months and married the same year. She was 20, he 25. As newlyweds in love but who didn't initially know each other very well, they worked things out as they went along. They lived simply and happily, within their means and didn't complicate matters unnecessarily.
Barbara's portrayal of their marriage is tender but not rose-tinted. She recounts realistic day-to-day bickering – occasional arguments over how to raise children, money, in-laws. Barbara confesses that she once told Harry to leave, and for several days, he did. Her advice? "No matter how great the temptation, do not make big pronouncements when you're angry. Take a time-out, think and cool off."
As a young woman, Barbara was curvy with dark curls, plump cheeks and a winning smile. Now, her curls are white and her cheeks less full, but her eyes remain bright – sometimes she wears chic, black-framed glasses, or just balances them on her head. In the online videos on the blog (in the latest one, Barbara makes a prank phone call), she speaks slowly, her words slightly slurred now, after several strokes.
Kim and Chinta worried about how Barbara would cope when Harry became frailer. After they moved into their new home, Harry fell again, and needed an operation. He'd lost more weight and grown weak. His eyesight and hearing were fading, and he lacked the strength to walk without support. Harry stayed in hospital, drifting away, preferring to sleep than talk.
Barbara sat with Harry in hospital every day, eating and sleeping there, holding hands in silence. But Kim and Chinta worried that as much as Harry and Barbara loved each other, it wasn't helping their grandmother emotionally to be in the hospital all day, every day. "It seemed that she wanted to slow down with him," says Kim.
Barbara began to see her granddaughters' point of view. She used her time with Harry in hospital to think about what might happen to him, and to her. Slowly, she realised she wasn't ready to give up herself. "One day, I told the girls that I missed my husband and that I felt like he had gotten old on me. I felt guilty for even saying this out loud but once I did I found it easier to deal with my conflicted feelings," she writes.
Barbara decided to keep living. She still visited Harry daily, but also kept up with her own life – blogging, eating out, shopping, getting her hair done. "There is no shame in taking time out to look after yourself," she writes. "It does not make you a bad person if you recognise that you have reached your limit in looking after another person."
In carrying on, she grew stoical: "My older man of a husband had become, at long last, an old man. But I was not an old woman yet. I wasn't ready to lie down and miss out on all the adventures that life still had in store for me."
Harry died in the middle of the night in October 2010. He was 98. Earlier on in the day, Barbara went to see Harry as usual – he told her he loved her and kissed her. Barbara got to see him an hour after he died and stayed with him until she was ready for her grandchildren to take her home.
Barbara thinks about Harry every day. She still grieves for him and sometimes forgets he is gone. But her stoicism prevails: "I don't complain to God because I know if I did, God would tell me that I am not the only one who lost a husband. If it hurts, I just have to learn to be stronger. This is my life and I have to accept it." She also says she "can't afford to mope" – people all over the world are waiting for her latest advice columns and the next instalment on her blog.
Barbara still lives an active life. Her granddaughters take her out to get her nails done, visit her favourite restaurants and bakeries, which she loves to review, and watch films – "She likes romantic stuff," says Chinta.
"When Harry died, we just tried to be there for her," says Kim. "She misses him, but she is whole without him too. He made her a strong person, and gave her the strength to carry on after his death."
With 22 years between them, Chinta and Kim had different mothers and barely knew each other before their father died. But when they realised their grandparents needed help, they came together. "They didn't have any children any more," says Chinta. "They only had us."
Chinta now lives with Kim and her husband, and they visit Barbara at least five times a week. "Our grandparents always used to make us feel like the most special, most important people in the whole world," says Chinta. "They looked after us, and it's our turn now. A lot of people my age don't spend time with their grandparents, but I really hope they might be inspired to do that. My grandmother is my favourite person in the world."
Both younger women believe they have learned a lot from their grandparents' long marriage, especially Kim, who was a child when her parents divorced. "I was aware growing up that my grandparents were different to my parents. My parents didn't hate each other – they just didn't connect.
"But my grandparents, well, they really loved each other," she says. "They had always been stable. It's definitely the model for my marriage. What it boils down to is the simplicity of respect and care, and if you can do that, you can have a happy relationship. That's what I've learned from my grandparents."
Still in her early 20s, marriage seems a long way off for Chinta. "But my grandmother thinks I should be married by now," she laughs. "What I love about my grandparents was that there was so much acceptance between them. They never even considered the option that one of them might just up and leave – they were in it for the long-term. I want to have that for the person I care about."
There are plenty of lessons to learn from Barbara and, indeed, Harry too, from the stories Barbara shares of their long, strong marriage and the advice she gives: lessons in patience and respect in love, accepting your faults and those in other people, making mistakes and living without bitterness or regret. It is impossible not to be moved by the strength of Barbara, who, despite the loss of her children and her beloved husband, is happy and strong and has found a way to live with her loss.
Perhaps this is the most inspiring lesson of all. As Barbara says: "Never count yourself out. Every person has something to give, some love or some wisdom or a shoulder to cry upon. As long as you care about others, you have a reason to be on this earth. So go take your place in the grand scheme, and live your life with all your heart."
Barbara's wise words on ...
Love:
"To find love, you must develop good instincts and trust them. Respect your intuition. If something about a person rubs you the wrong way, pay attention, or you might be sorry later."
"Fill your life with trustworthy friends, and don't drop them should you fall in love. They can be your guides should you lose track of what is important."
Marriage:
"Marriage is first and foremost a passionate institution. Don't take the plunge unless you feel that sizzle for your partner."
"Pay attention. One of the most important things you can do for the good of your relationship is to never take the one you love for granted."
Sex:
"Yes, you are busy, but if you try to make time for intimacy, you'll soon find you don't need to try to make time for it."
"Treat a relationship with the same care and scepticism that you apply to making a major purchase or life choice. It's fine to feel excited, but don't be so excited that you stumble into something that will make you miserable."
Arguments:
"Never ambush your partner with an old grievance. Work your problems out when they're fresh, forgive and then move on with your lives."
"It's fine to disagree, so long as you're nice about it. Contrary to popular belief, agreeing to everything is not necessary for a happy marriage."
Grief:
"Grief affects each person uniquely. You cannot predict or control it. You must must endure it, accept it, and let it pass through you so you can move on."
"Everyone who lives long enough to love deeply will experience great losses. Don't let fear of loss, or the losses themselves, take away your ability to enjoy the wonderful life that is yours."
• Fall in Love for Life, by Barbara Cooper, with Kim and Chinta Cooper, is published by Chronicle Books, £11.99. To order a copy for £9.59 with free UK p&p, call 0330 333 6846 or go to guardian.co.uk/bookshop. Barbara's website and blog: the-ogs.com
