Name: The sexiest books of all time.

Age: Surprisingly youthful.

Appearance: They’re books – don’t judge them by their covers.

So what is the sexiest book of all time? Is it DH Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover? Hang on: for this particular survey, the cataloguing website Goodreads ranked a total of 45 saucy books based on scores out of five.

OK, I get it. Is it Fear of Flying by Erica Jong? Wait. The books are spread across three categories: BookTok, romance and romantasy.

I only know one of those words. BookTok is a TikTok subgroup for book lovers – mostly very young ones – and “romantasy” is a genre blending romance and fantasy.

Too complicated. Just give me the top sexy book from any category. The No 1 spicy romance novel is Mr O by Lauren Blakely.

I’ve not read that one. It concerns the exploits of a character called Mister Orgasm and his best friend’s sister, Harper.

Any good? As one reviewer put it: “Someone get me a fan, stat! And a new pair of panties!”

That’s certainly an endorsement of a kind. What came in second? The Sexy One, also by Lauren Blakely.

I’ve not read that one either. Really? Blakely has sold more than 1m books.

Can we try the romantasy list? No 1 is Obsession by Jennifer L Armentrout.

I’m not sure I’m familiar with Armentrout’s work. You’re missing out: her books also occupy the No 2, 4, 6, 8 and 9 spots on that list.

Where does Delta of Venus by Anaïs Nin come? Nowhere.

Well then, shall we just keep going until we get to one I’ve read? Let me stop you: unless you are a devotee of this sort of thing, it’s unlikely you will have read any of them.

Why? The books are just genre-specific and quite, erm, modern.

I read modern sex books! What about Normal People by Sally Rooney? Did you read that?

No. But I saw the TV series. Normal People is not on any of the three lists.

How did they pick these books? They analysed Goodreads reviews across the three categories, looking for keywords such as “sexy” “hot” or “smut” and used them to give each book a “spice score”.

And Mary Wesley’s The Camomile Lawn didn’t make the list? Not this time.

Do say: “The sexiest book I’ve come across – and I’ve come across a few!”

Don’t say: “We’re going to need sturdier pants.”