Stephen Moss 

Who said it: Strictly’s Craig Revel Horwood … or Mark Twain?

The writer and the dance judge have both spread their wit and wisdom across three bulging volumes of autobiography. But can you tell who said what?
  
  

Mark Twain and Craig Revel Horwood
Literary giants: Mark Twain and Craig Revel Horwood. Composite: Guardian

The American author and wit Mark Twain stipulated that his autobiography should not be published complete until a century after his death, which is why the first of three unexpurgated volumes documenting his life did not appear until 2010. Happily, Strictly Come Dancing judge Craig Revel Horwood has no such inhibitions and this week publishes the third volume of his memoirs – In Strictest Confidence – taking its place alongside All Balls and Glitter (2008) and Tales from the Dance Floor (2013) in the pantheon.

Each is a prolific and acerbic chronicler of the imperfections of their respective ages, but can you tell which is which when this unlikely twain meet?

  1. “I wanted to tell my story without anyone else’s influence or perspective.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  2. “I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it’s never happened yet.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  3. “I know all about audiences: they believe everything you say, except when you are telling the truth.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  4. “I believe that the trade of critic, in literature, music and drama, is the most degraded of all trades, and that it has no real value.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  5. “I have never been able to keep my mouth shut.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  6. “Man is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  7. “I’m OK with the catcalls because I think people enjoy it. I don’t have to like it on a personal level, but a character has been born that people love to hate.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  8. “I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time. I have no other restriction as regards smoking.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  9. “I adore a drink myself but I’m always worried I’m going to turn into my father, that this might be the glass that tips me over the edge and makes me into an alcoholic. I’ve seen how ugly that is and how desperate.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  10. “Academically, I didn’t shine at all. By grade three, I still couldn’t tell the time. I had terrible trouble learning it and got so confused because I simply couldn’t work out why it was ‘quarter to’ anything. There was something about the basic structure that baffled me.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  11. “My experience of men long ago taught me that one of the surest ways of begetting an enemy was to do some stranger an act of kindness which should lay upon him the irritating sense of an obligation.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

  12. “I try to maintain some dignity, but maybe I’m not the best person to judge.”

    1. Mark Twain

    2. Craig Revel Horwood

Solutions

1:B, 2:A, 3:A, 4:A, 5:B, 6:A, 7:B, 8:A, 9:B, 10:B, 11:A, 12:B

Scores

  1. 9 and above.

    You’re strictly fabulous – and obviously looking forward to the publication of the fourth volume of Craig Revel Horwood’s life story.

  2. 5 and above.

    Your co-ordination needs improving, but you show promise.

  3. 0 and above.

    You’re all over the place, aren’t you, dahling?
 

Leave a Comment

Required fields are marked *

*

CAPTCHA

*