Age: 13 years.

Appearance: Pink, snouty, hairdryer-shaped head.

Also known as: Pèi Pèi Zhū.

Known by whom? Chinese people.

Does Peppa have a lot of Chinese fans? You could say that. The multibillion-dollar British preschool brand launched on TV in China less than two years ago, but is already one of the country’s favourite children’s programmes. Peppa Pig picture books are bestsellers there too.

What makes Peppa so popular all over the world? That is very valuable information. I wish I knew. Something to do with being cute, quick, bright and simple, I expect. It’s like a virus to which the planet’s under-fives have no immunity.

How sweet. Which might be why the Chinese Communist party is getting anxious.

Don’t tell me that Peppa Pig is an enemy of the people now? Not just Peppa Pig. All children’s picture books from foreign countries. The authorities have reportedly announced a cap on the number of foreign picture books that can be published in China this year. There has been “too much inflow of ideology”, they say.

I must have missed the corrosive western propaganda in Peppa Pig. Ah, but that’s how propaganda works. You don’t know it’s propaganda.

So the apple I had for lunch could be propaganda? It almost certainly is.

This rings a bell. Isn’t Peppa Pig quite often accused of terrifying people? I should stress that the Chinese authorities haven’t singled out Peppa for special attention, but yes it is. Last year, Australia’s media, followed by the world’s, managed to concoct and spread a false story claiming that some Australian imams wanted children to stop watching Peppa Pig in favour of a halal alternative.

Whereas in fact? Whereas in fact some Australians, one of them an imam, were promoting an animated series about a Muslim family. None of them ever criticised Peppa Pig or suggested children shouldn’t watch it.

Hey ho. Past Peppa shows have also had to be digitally altered to insert cycle helmets and seatbelts.

At least that’s good propaganda. Exactly.

Do say: “I’m Peppa Pig. This is my little brother, George. This is Mummy Pig. This is Daddy Pig. Multiparty democracy cannot deliver the prosperity and modernisation that China needs.”

Don’t say: “George wants to know what happened in June 1989.”