Apocalypse Mao, it was dubbed. The shadow chancellor, John McDonnell, was widely mocked last week when, during the spending review debate, he whipped out Chairman Mao’s little red book, quoted the Chinese communist leader, then tossed a copy at the chortling chancellor, George Osborne. Perhaps misguided Mao-cDonnell would have been better off quoting from another “little book”. Here’s seven suggestions…
The Little Book of Calm
A fixture in toilets and Christmas stockings during the late 1990s, the meditation guru Paul Wilson’s miniature self-help manual contains stress-busting wisdom that would be welcome in the distinctly unchilled Commons. Afterwards, McDonnell could have swallowed his copy like Manny in Black Books, absorbing its Zen-like goodness. Ommmm... (adds lavender to bath).
Purple Ronnie’s Little Guide to Bottoms and Willies
The slappable stickman was ubiquitous in the late 80s, popping up on greetings cards, mugs, tea towels and a range of faintly “naughty” rhyming pocket books, of which Bottoms and Willies is the lowlight. The Old Etonian creator, Giles Andreae, also happens to be one of David Cameron’s best mates. Imagine the schoolboyish sniggers from the Tory benches if McDonnell had recited a couplet about “rumpety-pump”.
The Comedy of Errors
Shakespeare’s shortest play just about qualifies as a little book and its title is an apt response to Osborne’s U-turns. McDonnell could have called his opposite number “a hungry, lean-fac’d villain... / A needy, hollow-ey’d, sharp-looking wretch / A living-dead man”.
The Little Red Book by Anonymous
Alcoholics Anonymous’s guide to the 12-step programme shares its title with Mao Zedong’s volume of quotations. McDonnell could have hit Osborne with step four – “Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself” – then forced him to admit his wrongs and make amends to all those he’s harmed. We’d drink to that.
The Meaning of Liff
Douglas Adams and John Lloyd’s dinky, black and gold “dictionary of things that there aren’t any words for yet” is the all-time great loo book. McDonnell might have described the Conservatives as a “Muckle Skerry (n) The mess you’ve stopped noticing because it’s become so familiar”. Sadly, he instead made an inadvertent “Firebag (n) A remark intended to cue applause at a Tory party conference”.
The Little Book of Big Expenses
Subtitled “How to live the MP lifestyle”, this 2009 topical tome would have provided McDonnell with much duck house-type, Tory-baiting material. The book even includes a handy form so you can claim back the £6.99 cover price on expenses.
Gideon Bible
What better little book with which to beat down the chancellor than his namesake’s? The evangelical Christian society Gideons International has been doling out free Bibles for more than a century and this year distributed its two billionth. The organisation is famed for leaving them in hotel rooms but also schools, hospitals, prisons… And other institutions that Osborne and co are closing down.
