Name: Oliver Mellors

Age: 37 or 38.

Appearance: Moderately tall and lean. Looks very fetching in velveteen breeches.

He doesn’t look very fair in the picture: Dodgy casting by the BBC. But the velveteen breeches are spot on – or off.

Other characteristics? Laconic, contemptuous, doesn’t like pussies.

Come again? He doesn’t like pussies that kill his employer’s game.

Why’s that? Because he’s a gamekeeper.

Who’s his employer? Sir Clifford Chatterley.

Name rings a bell. Not much gets past you.

Chatterley has a wife I seem to recall. Constance.

And a war wound. Jolly nasty one. Means he can’t ... you know ... manage it.

His estate? No, the sexual act. With his rather lively young wife.

Which is where Mellors comes in? In a manner of speaking, yes.

I’ve got it! Dirty novel by D H Lawrence. I think you mean masterpiece published in 1928 that captures the postwar nihilism of Britain, and man’s (and indeed woman’s) timeless search for the union of mind and body.

Not the kind of book “you would wish your wife or servants to read”. That, indeed, is how it was described by the prosecution at the 1960 Old Bailey trial at which Penguin was accused of obscenity. Penguin won the case and the book was published, complete with lots of four-letter words and uncomfortable alfresco sex.

Marvellous. But why bring it all up again? Because it’s now the kind of TV film you might not want your wife or servants to watch either.

Raunchy? A Poldark-style bodice-ripper. Game of Thrones star Richard Madden may not look much like Lawrence’s description of Mellors, but he’s very dashing with his shirt off.

Super. When’s it on? Sunday night, BBC1.

Wish I hadn’t got hooked on Celebrity Big Brother now. It was the first of a series of adaptations of classics, so you can catch the others.

What’s next? An Inspector Calls.

Lots of sex? We live in hope.

Not to be confused with: David Mellor(s).

Most likely to say: “Tha ma’es nowt O’ me, John Thomas.”

Least likely to say: “Anyone for tennis?”