A quick literary quiz: no prizes, save the reassurance that your knowledge of the world of letters is unsurpassed. A forthcoming autobiography has been described thus: “a heart-rendering story from start to finish” (Lost in Showbiz prefers to believe that, rather than a malaproprism, “heart-rendering” suggests that the book is so emotionally wrenching, it literally feel like the reader’s heart has been cut into small pieces, placed in a frying pan on a low-to-medium heat until the fat oozes from it and the remaining pieces can be fished out with a slotted spoon). Furthermore, its author has been described – by himself – as “a gentle, beautiful man that gave everything to help humanity”.

Who, it asks, is the autobiography’s subject? What’s that you say? The Dalai Lama? Afraid not. Kailash Satyarthi, awarded the Nobel peace prize for his activism against child labour? You’re getting warmer. The answer is David McIntosh, the former star of Gladiators as Tornado and ex-fiance of Kelly Brook, otherwise famed for crashing a van filled with dead badgers into a bus stop in late 2013. Lost in Showbiz confesses it must have been in the lavatory when he gave everything to help humanity: nevertheless, its excitement at the arrival of this book can scarcely be imagined.