Kitchenware

Joy Division oven gloves
“The dish is too hot,” sang Half Man Half Biscuit. “You’ll never guess what. I’ve got Joy Division oven gloves.” And lo and behold, some enterprising soul has now made some. Wear while humming Glove Will Tear Us Apart. (stolliclothing.co.uk, £14.99)

Smart spoons
Designed to go where no ordinary spoon can reach, these five pieces of cutlery are the brainwave of Dutchman Ineke Hans, and include a perforated scoop for olives, as well as tiny angled shovels to scrape the bottom of jars. (designmuseumshop.com, £9.95)

Wagner cookie cutter
Make the master of the Valkyries your signature Christmas offering with cookies in the shape of Richard Wagner’s unmistakable features. And keep them coming for 15 hours as the perfect accompaniment to the Ring Cycle. (amazon.co.uk, £4.95)

Camera lens coffee mug
Give someone the gift of feeling as if they’ve tipped a hot drink into something very expensive. (Various outlets, £12.99)

Star Wars X-wing knife block
No self-respecting member of the Rebel Alliance would be without this shiny block that holds five knives. (iwantoneofthose.com, £69.99)

Greetings

Black metal cards
Nothing says Christmas like black metal: churches roasting on an open fire, Satan nipping at your nose. See your loved ones’ faces light up as they read the message: “Tis the season to invoke the Horned God, whilst a Wild Hunt burns across the winter sky.” (darkandsombergreetings.com, prices vary)

Kanye cards
Wish your friends a Merry Yeezmas with a tasteful card depicting Kanye West as a grumpy Santa saying: “Hurry up with my damn croissants and milk!” (etsy.com, £4.60)

Wolfman cards
A seasonal card from the Freud Museum featuring a painting of white wolves staring from a bare wintry tree. It’s by the Russian aristocrat Sergei Pankejeff, the so-called Wolfman. According to Freud’s case history From the History of an Infantile Neurosis, Pankejeff was tormented by dreams of wolves after seeing his parents do it doggy style. Apparently, they look like they’re poised to castrate him. Merry Christmas everybody! (freud.org.uk, £1.95)

Clothing

Ol’ Dirty Bastard socks
You have to wonder at the level of blue-sky thinking that gave birth to socks featuring an image of late rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard against the backdrop of a Monet painting. Still, it’s unlikely the recipient will already have pair. (sokx.co.uk, £11.99)

Star Wars gingerbread jumper
Stay on the right side of Star Wars mania with a top featuring characters as gingerbread figures. It’s a stylish way to say: “Yes, I’m a big fan of the influential space saga, but I like a laugh, too.” (thehut.com, £19.99)

Better Call Saul baby-suit
Ideal for the baby whose parents are going through a messy divorce. Or who has a sibling he’d like whacked. (cafepress.co.uk, £16)

Merry Cribsmas jumper
Indie rock trio the Cribs say their bespoke Christmas festive top is “perfect for repping us to your grandparents over Xmas dinner”. So if your relatives have displayed below-average knowledge of the Wakefield band, this is the perfect gift for you. (firebrandstores.com, £30).

Electronic rock guitar T-shirt
Who hasn’t pulled on their favourite T-shirt and thought: “If only this top was also an electric guitar!” Now you can end your my-T-shirt-isn’t-also-an-electric-guitar misery with a garment that’s both tasteful and fun. And apparently the guitar shirt “is not a toy that plays pre-canned musical riffs – it is a real musical instrument that allows you to play your favourite songs and sound great”. (thinkgeek.com, $29.99)

Literature

Animalium
This gorgeous oversized book, by Jenny Broom and Katie Scott, showcases the wonders of the animal world in a series of “galleries”, from invertebrates and reptiles to mammals and birds. The aim is to create, in oversized book form, an “unrivalled catalogue of the world’s finest and most extraordinary creatures”, celebrating the diversity of life on Earth. The text is vivid and accessible, but it’s the luminous illustrations that make it so appealing. (Big Picture Press, £20)

Save the Story
There are now 10 books in this lavishly illustrated hardback series, in which authors adapt classic tales for young readers. Jonathan Coe retells Gulliver’s Travels, Yiyun Li presents The Story of Gilgamesh, Andrea Camilleri takes on Gogol’s surreal short The Nose, and Dave Eggers turns Jules Verne’s 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea into The Story of Captain Nemo, a death-defying tale of adventures in the deep. (Pushkin Press, £14.99)

Keith Haring children’s book
Who knew? Nina’s Book of Little Things was created for Nina Clemente, the daughter of one of Haring’s friends, on her seventh birthday. It’s engaging, joyful and designed to be drawn on and written over. (amazon.co.uk, £14.99)

Gadgets

Wooden keyboard
Thanks to Orée, a bunch of “artisans of emotional technology” from France, you can now get back to nature at your desk – by typing on walnut keys. (oreeartisans.com, €150)

Folding plug
Korean designer Min-Kyu Choi has cunningly cut the bulk of the cumbersome three-pronged lump by 70%, so you can now travel more streamlined than ever. (designmuseumshop.com, £25)

For the coffee table

Blue Note: Uncompromising Expression
A jazz luxury illustrated with the famous label’s beautiful cover designs and co-founder Francis Wolff’s smoky black-and-white photos. Nobody ever made jazz look cooler. (Thames & Hudson, £38.50)

The ultimate photobook
One of the most famous books of photography in history has just been released: The Decisive Moment by Henri Cartier Bresson. And Matisse did the cover. (steidl.de, £78)

Dance and Fashion
The long and close relationship between the two is explored in this beautifully illustrated book by Valerie Steele. Examining the influence of the Romantic tutu on Christian Dior and the impact of the pointe shoe on Christian Louboutin, it also explores the rise of fashion designers in dance including the Comme des Garcons creations for Merce Cunningham. (waterstones.com, £22.80)

Photographs Rendered in Play-Doh
“It’s my strange tribute to photography,” says Eleanor Macnair, who has used Play-Doh to recreate iconic shots of the likes of Christine Keeler and Grace Jones. (macdonaldstrand.co.uk, £19.99)

Food and drink

Mastodon Black Tongue beer
The metal behemoths have produced a fearsomely powerful 8.3% proof double black IPA they call a “palate destroyer”. Drink too much and your tongue may die. (signaturebrew.co.uk, £3.99)

Blur china tea set
Best enjoyed imagining yourself singing Parklife in full cockney: “I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea. And I think about leaving the ’ouse.” (blur.co.uk, £70)

Beyoncé Flawless hip flask
The perfect accessory to help you rampage through the festive season – although in the morning you may wish you hadn’t, in Bey’s own words, “woke up like this”. (urbanoutfitters.com, £7)

Tate gin
It may boast of being “rich and earthy with the botanicals angelica and orris to the fore” and come in a beautifully designed bottle, but what we most like about this award-winning gin is that it’s made in a Wendy House in a London garden. (tate.org.uk, £32)

Hell, Yes! mug
When the New Museum in New York opened seven years ago, it was decorated with a giant version of Swiss artist Ugo Rondinone’s cheery artwork, in which the words “Hell, Yes!” are coloured like a rainbow. It’s not quite as spectacular on a mug, but it should still put a spring in your step. (newmuseumstore.org, $16)

Games

Downton Abbey board game
1) Throw double six to make a miraculous recovery from total paralysis. 2) Pick up a Send Bates to Jail card. 3) Spin the wheel to find out if you or the baby dies in childbirth. (John Lewis, £24.99)

Frozen Karaoke
Children under 10 to buy for? Well, ruin their parents’ Christmas with this app based on the movie soundtrack. Kids can sing along karaoke-style and record themselves too. There’s even bits of dialogue they can join in with. (iTunes, £5.49)

I’m a Celebrity … Bush Tucker Trial game
Why not ditch the plum pudding and make the kids eat dried locusts instead? There’s the odd jelly bean thrown in to sweeten the palate, but don’t tell the squirming children. (a1gifts.co.uk, £19.99)

Marshall rock science game
Treat the hard rock fan in your life to the Trivial Pursuit of heavy metal. It’s approved by Kerry (“Christmas isn’t about religion – Christmas is about presents”) King of Slayer and Motörhead’s Phil Campbell. There are three difficulty levels, so even granny can play! (marshallgame.com, €49.90)

Self-improvement

Beano ukulele
Indulge your loved one’s inner George Formby with this gloriously decorated ukulele. Impossible to play with a straight face. (djmmusic.com, £26.50)

Life-drawing classes
Perfect for someone who’s interested in honing theirartistic chops or simply likes sitting around looking at naked people. An unforgettable present. (londondrawing.com, prices vary)

Sound perfumes
Three scents – called Noise, Bass and Drone – designed to go with the electronic music of, respectively, Ben Frost, Kode 9 and Tim Hecker. The blurb talks of “air notes – to evoke levitation”. (shop.ephemera.pl, €80)

For the wall

Cloud poster
A beautiful print to gaze at hopefully on rainy days. Thrill your friends with your newfound ability to tell a cirrostratus from a cumulonimbus lincus. (vandashop.com, £35)

Draw Paint Print Like the Great Artists
Take your pencil for a walk with Paul Klee! In this great draw-on activity book by Marion Deuchars, young readers are introduced to 18 great artists then encouraged to try out the techniques behind their greatest works. (bookshop.theguardian.com, £12.95)

Chris Nash dance prints
Limited editions from one of Britain’s most inventive dance photographers, featuring the likes of Michael Clark, Javier De Frutos and the Cholmondeleys. (chrisnash.net)

Novelty

Rubber duck Mozart
Rock me, Quackadeus! Elevate bath-time to a musical appreciation lesson with this rubber duck Mozart. The likeness is uncanny (ackermanmusic.co.uk, £6.99)

Daft Punk figurines
Recreate the lives of these international robot DJs in miniature! Set yours up sipping pina coladas by an LA pool, or take them out on the town getting lucky with Pharrell. (forbiddenplanet.com, £49.99)

David Shrigley air freshener
Remember those air fresheners you hung in cars that looked like mini traffic lights? This is far cooler: an ace of clubs-shaped artwork emblazoned with the words “fucking ace”. Smells of talc and costs hardly anything. What’s not to like? (newmuseumstore.org, $8)

Selections by Kate Abbott, Lisa Allardice, Ben Beaumont-Thomas, Peter Bradshaw, John Crace, Emily Drabble, John Fordham, Michael Hann, Stuart Jeffries, Tim Jonze, Justine Jordan, Judith Mackrell, Alex Needham, Sean O’Hagan, Alexis Petridis, Tom Service, Catherine Shoard, Paul Simon, Dave Simpson, Jenny Stevens, Imogen Tilden, Oliver Wainwright