This weekly blog originally ran when True Blood premiered on FX. Join us now if you're watching on Channel 4, starting with episode 1: Strange Love
Six Feet Under creator Alan Ball is back on the box with his lauded Deep South vampire drama. Hyped it may be, but True Blood looks to have the clout to back it up, so we'll be blogging the series every week and trying to keep up with all the swear words. Grab yourself a Tru Blood and practise your very best Vampire Bill: "Soookeh!"
Two young lovers walk into a late-night garage in the middle of nowhere, Louisiana. There's a woman – a vampire – on TV in the background, debating her civil rights with Bill Maher. Her kind have no need to drink from humans any more, so they would like to be treated as equally as humans. But wait. Who's this man at the counter with tattoos, lank hair and a Sesame-Street-Count accent, talking about blood and stuff? One! Ah-ah-ah! He's not a vamp at all, and here's a portly redneck who wishes to register his concern at this patronising stereotype. "Fuck you, Billy Bob," says young lover #1. Not what Billy Bob wanted to hear. "Fuck me? I'll fuck you, boy. I'll fuck you, then I'll eat you." Willow, I don't think we're in Buffy any more.
But this lot are just here to set up the story – that vampires walk openly among people and survive on pretend blood, though if you call them Billy Bob, they might just bare their teeth. With a sharp, whooshy kind of noise. Get used to that, you'll be hearing it a lot. Aren't the opening credits lovely, by the way? And did you spot the "God Hates Fangs" sign outside a church? Nice touch.
True Blood is based on Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse novels, so it makes sense that we soon come across our heroine (Anna Paquin). She's a waitress at Merlotte's bar and she can hear what people are thinking, which makes you wonder why she chose to work in a very public place with lots of people in it, all thinking loudly at once, though it could be good for tips. Local baddie Denise Rattray (cold name, cold heart) observes, in her head: "I think she's retarded." At times, you get where she's coming from: Sookie seems uptight and prudish and says things like, "Oh my stars." But she gets better. Honest.
Other people we need to meet - the force of nature that is best friend Tara, whose first scene is like a B&Q advert directed by John Waters. There's Sam, owner of Merlotte's, who holds a doe-eyed torch for Sookie. There's Lafayette, the foul-mouthed, flirty gay chef and Tara's cousin. And then there's Jason, Sookie's brother, also known as Vinnie Off Home & Away, though he wouldn't have been doing that on a teatime soap. Jason introduces us to vampire sex through fan-of-the-rough-stuff Maudette Pickins, who videotaped her "fang-banging" bout and is happy to show off her prowess. Let's call it energetic. There will be a lot of sex with vampires throughout the series, and sexy thoughts about vampires, and some other things with vampires which aren't sex but are meant to suggest sexy sexual things. But vampire-style rough and tumble gets Jason into trouble when Maudette is found dead, and Frank Sobotka comes to arrest him. Uh-oh.
While this muck is going on, Vampire Bill pops into the bar, giving himself away as one of the blood-sucking undead by looking a bit peaky. "I think Merlotte's just got its first vampire," says Sookie, her prissy exterior melting away under his steamy gaze. "I've been waiting for this since they came out of the coffin two years ago." After some flirty staring and talking, the sort where the background goes blurry and only Sookie and Bill stay in focus, Bill pops out for a midnight stroll with the Rattrays. Looks like someone failed to pick up on the significance of their mean surname.
Invigorated by her unexpected vamp-lust and making amends, perhaps, for how annoying she's been so far, Sookie runs out into the night to find Bill pinned to the floor with nothing but a silver chain. Imagine being immortal but foxed by a necklace. The Rattrays are draining Bill's blood, "V", to sell to humans for a hefty mark-up. But nobody messes with Sookie's man. After some mild violence with a chain, an unmentionable swear word and good ol' Southern insult swapping, the Rattrays slink off with their tails between their legs, and Bill and Sookie get better acquainted. Turns out she can't hear his thoughts, which is a relief when you spend all day hearing people call you retarded. Later, she has a rude dream about him. It's always the quiet ones.
But our Twilight-with-actual-sex romantic subplot is smashed to pieces when the Rattrays return to Merlotte's and brutally kick 10 bells out of Sookie. She's is bleeding, and she's bleeding bad... Roll credits.
Tara's blowout of the week
"I'm gonna get my babydaddy who just got out of prison to come and kick your teeth in." Pause. "Oh my god, I'm not serious, you pathetic racist."
NSFW-ometer
Ding ding ding! Strong to severe. Lots of sex, plenty of nudity and there's even a See You Next Tuesday.
Body count
1 - Maudette Pickins
The lingo
"Came out of the coffin", "fang-bangers", "drainers", "V" - any that we missed?
Questions
Are vampires good or bad? If they're bad, is the "vampire rights movement" a big con? What does V do to humans? Did Jason really kill Maudette? Was her fang-banging past more sinister than saucy? Why can't Sookie hear Bill's thoughts? And who could possibly bring her back from the brink?
